A Politically Correct ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,

In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;

Corrected:

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Nation

Not a creature was stirring, not even a small endangered rodent

The synthetic wool foot coverings were hung by the non-wood burning fireplace with care,

In hopes that the non-religiously associated Mr. Claus would soon be there;

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;

And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,

Had just settled down for a long winter’s nap,

Corrected:

The young people were nestled all snug in their beds

While visions of green toys and healthy foods dances in their heads;

And mamma in her non-gender specific PJs and I in my sweats,

Had just settled our minds for the nightly sleep trek;

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,

Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

Corrected:

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter.

I sprang from my bed to see was the matter

To the window I ran in such a great hurry

While popping back a few Tums to deal with that evening’s curry;

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow

Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,

Corrected:

The lunar sphere’s light on the sure-to-be highly polluted frozen H20

Gave the image of midday to my Prius below

When what to my wondering eyes did appear

But a smallish snow vehicle and eight size-challenged endangered reindeer;

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,

I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.

More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

Corrected:

With a vertically challenged, elderly driver so lively and quick

I knew in a moment he must be Mr. Nick

Quicker than electric cars his size-challenged endangered reindeer they came

And he whistled and shouted and called them by name;

“Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!

On, Comet! on Cupid! on, Donner and Blitzen!

To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!

Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!”

Correction: (well, ok, this one can stay. . .as long as these size-challenged mammals are getting overtime. . . )

“Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now Prancer and Vixen!

On, Comet! on, Cupid! on, Donner and Blitzen!

To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!

Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!”

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,

When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,

So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,

With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.

Correction:

As leaves that before the man-caused weather event fly,

When they meet with an obstacle and fly to the undoubtedly polluted sky;

So up to the housetop the size-challenged endangered reindeer they flew

With the winter vehicle full of responsible, eco-friendly child’s things, and Mr. Nicholas too—

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof

The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.

As I drew in my head, and was turning around,

Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.

Correction:

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof

The prancing and pawing of each size-challenged hoof.

As I drew in my head, and was turning around,

Down the chimney Mr. Nicholas came with a bound;

He was dressed all in faux-fur, from his head to his foot,

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,

And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;

A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,

And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.

Correction:

And thanks to our woodless fireplace, his clothes weren’t all tarnished with ashes and soot;

A bundle of responsible, eco-friendly child’s things he had flung on his back,

And he looked like an authorized street vendor just opening his pack;

His eyes — how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!

His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,

And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;

Correction:

His eyes—how they twinkled! his dimples, how merry!

His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!

His quaint, size-challenged mouth was drawn up like a bow,

And the beard on his chin was as white as the frozen H20;

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,

And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;

He had a broad face and a little round belly,

That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.

Correction:

The stump of a pipe he did NOT hold tight in his teeth,

And naturally, no smoke encircled his head like the wreath of a tree we just killed;

He had a broad face and a size-challenged, spherical belly

That shook when he laughed, like a bowl full of sugar-free jelly;

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,

And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,

Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;

Correction:

He was unhealthily overweight, a right jolly, elderly little person,

And I laughed when I saw him. . .how rude was I!

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head

Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,

And laying his finger aside of his nose,

And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;

Correction:

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

And filled all the synthetic wool foot coverings; then turned with a jerk,

And laying his finger aside of his nose,

And giving a nod, up the faux chimney he rose;

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,

And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,

“Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night.”

Correction:

He sprang to his winter vehicle, to his size challenged endangered reindeer gave a whistle,

And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

But I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight—

“Happy Holidays to all, and to all a good night!”

One thought on “A Politically Correct ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas

  1. This is hilarious, Mary. Hope you have an eco-friendly Christmas filled with lots of jollyness. And may the true meaning of Christmas continue to ring out through you!

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